Letter to A.H.

I  am not sure what time of year it was, but it was warm and we were at college. Not sure if it was your first or second year but it was more or less my fourth. Some how we made contact, probably through some party- yes it was. After I was thrilled and fully high on our interaction and your beautiful essential nature.

Some days later I went to visit you in the dorms, your room, your place. This music was playing that had come out that year. I’m not sure the circumstances of your playing this but when we were laying together in your bed it did something to my mind. It has been imprinted into my psyche- to the point where I am remembering this experience repeatedly and it has been just shy of ten years. Why is that? What is it about this experience that so deeply resonates with my core being? Was it your tenderness? The timelessness of the situation? Did I get to some core human experience? Obviously I don’t know what you were feeling, but maybe it was along the same lines?

Whenever I listen to thatFleet Foxes album this all comes rushing back. Funny how music can do that. I have been listening to that album much more recently. Wonder why.

It really pains me how things ended between us and it was totally my fault. I feel really bad about this and have been carrying around the weight of that. Why would I want to cause you violence when you have been nothing but good to me? I hope maybe one day you can forgive me. I know we have a non-existent relationship but still. And whenever I hear this album it makes me reflect on this. I know this message it uncalled for. I know you probably don’t want to hear from me and you probably might not even remember me. But the purpose of all of this is to just let you know. I want to put myself out there and expose myself as being vulnerable. I don’t expect a response. That’s okay. Though I feel a lot of pain, at least I got to spend some time with you and I’ll have those memories the rest of my life.

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