Welcome to the Hen House

And I was pacing back and forth. The kitchen was narrow. Clean, but not the kind of place you would want to bring your mother; assuming your mother was not the kind of woman who made it with your friends. But, the situation did not deal with cougars. No, this was a situation of real gravity….

The pitch started out something like…do you feel sluggish? Brain fogyish? Low or high sex drive? Have you ever woken up and not wanted to fuck your wife? How about your sister? Well if you answered any of these questions with either a yay or a nay then this diet is for you!

((Well I guess I did have feelings for my sister when she was becoming a woman))

Forget the paleo diets, forget the vegetable/water/coconut oils cleanses. This is the one that really will do the trick- it’s the last diet you will ever need! How does it work? Let me tell you, and you don’t even need to click here.

((This is easy, I’m already feeling better))

All you need to do is eat the flesh of this one cactus, found deep in the Peruvian mountains and *poof* the fat/libido/feelings of offing yourself just evaporate like a fresh April rain. Better yet, all of this and more will evaporate like an egg laying hen in a wolf’s den. Just send check or money order to:

Captain Trips

P.O. Box 6669

San Rosa CA 14850

And so I did this. Received these cactus cuttings in the mail, put them in some dirt, and followed the directions. I continued to feel the fatigue and brain fog that this life of mine in an urban environment brings, but each morning when I woke up next to the woman I’d be spending the rest of my life with, I felt a little elated. I knew that this cactus would make me want to desire my wife truly and not just rely on her for her money…

Where is this story going? I don’t sense this is a particularly intense situation. You feel a little shitty, like we all do, you bought into some diet fad on the internet and now you feel like you can fuck your wife. Pretty mundane man. My wife not only has a hundred pounds on me now, but I think she is bi-polar. She woke up this morning at 5 and pounded two bottles of wine and started coloring in these coloring books she got at a bodega. Ended up pissing all over the plant my grandmother gave me, said it was the urine of christ.

Christ. Yeah, I see, I mean, why did you marry this woman?

My family participates in this kind of arranged marriage quackery where they try to keep everything within the family, to keep the blood pure so to speak. I’m not saying I’m directly related to her, but she does have the same last name. To be honest, I think she was adopted.

Wife pissing on your plants? Dogs barking at things that aren’t even there? Do you feel your bowels pass things too slowly? Well do I have the diet for you. Out of Africa and into your home, the highly coveted Blue Silk Baboon Penis is a rare artifact of the African bush. Ancient Afrikan cults would slurp up this delicacy in male only rituals in order to restore their vigor and virility. Now you too can be part of this ancient and sacred history. Just fill out the form below with your name, address, banking and routing number and we will express ship 10 Blue Silk Baboon dongs for only 99.95, shipping included! Don’t wait either because this is an offer that will not last- literally! These baboons are almost extinct due to poor conservatory practices and greedy poachers. These African countries really need to get their acts together if they are going to make it in this world. Anyway, the majestic Blue Silk Baboon will no longer be of this earth for long! That is why you need to get your share of shlong NOW!

And that is exactly what I did.

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