So Many Roads

Oh how many stores must a man must go, before he can find the cottage cheese?

I say, how many stores must a man must go, before he finds the dear cottage cheese?

It’s a hard, it’s a hard it’s a hard- to find the non-fat.

Okay so, a man must die, so many deaths, the air is warm, I feed my pets. Okay so, I am dehydrated, I am too slow, how many dear seeds must I sow.

God- terrible. He paced ’round the room We’re both loaded, thinking we are onto something. Get this- both suburban whites. How many times has this been done before. Something wrong, something not quite right. Any so here we are claiming we are hurt, having that pin tear a hold- pushing in and finding release. A week of release. The brain is playing a charade.

I mean, were you not loved as a child? That can happen, that shit isn’t in the movies. Well if it is, it ends up alright. Why don’t I feel that? I’ll tell you why, because, well, you can’t grasp it. Sorry for the letdown. Don’t have the fancy words to say to you, dog gone nutin’. So here we are, not addicted to this shit. Ha ha. Gotta do it. I mean, doing it gives us meaning. At least by getting loaded we are created a significance in our lives. A significance for you certain special brain receptors. Ya dig? We talking’ the heavy shit. No joke kill people kinda shit. That’s right, we all here goin’ fo’ broke man. Real pain. We create pain just to have it. That’s how bored and silly we are. And sexually repressed and undeveloped. Not the kinda stuff you see on the teevee screen. The years of adolescent experimentation is over. This is the long haul. Full throttle pain.

And yet, well, and yet I never get the sense that pain is actually conveyed through words. I read this, this writer’s anecdote as being something to think about for a moment or two, after all- mindfulness is the ‘it’ word. But other than that, well, it’s just a bunch of words that many others have said before.

Well, uh, well, this is different! I am different! What if I told you I ate out my mother, drank my girlfriend-who-was-rolling’s urine just to prolong the role. What if I told you I tortured small rodents. Fuck- what do I have to do to give you a story you haven’t heard?! Use some kind of multi-syllabul language? Fuck, I can’t do that. Oh god, why is this the path that I am on?!

Why don’t you just get a job, the lsd ins’t going to make you Timothy Leary, after all isn’t he dead? Is that what you want to be, dead?

Oh god please yes, let us remember the past and make it last for ever?

Well there are people on this planet that are hungry, you have a McDonald’s for pete’s sake. You skied as a child, how many children in the Arabian peninsula can say that? Less than a percent? Look, I don’t mean to belittle you, and I don’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you cry.

I’m not.

I’m just a jealous guy and I was feeling insecure, you might not- forget it.

Well it is nice to see that you have some kind of wonderful sense of empathy. But back to my story- we were pacing around loaded and this guy who I don’t want to see comes in and wants to score see- and I just scored so what did I tell him? You think you are clever but I despise a fool-

Okay cut it out, I see this story it has been done before, everyone has, just ask Terry Eagleton- ha!

Okay, let me just tell you what I did at least, don’t you want to know where I got this Organic Ginger tea from that was only 2.99?

Yeah that sounds, seductive.

Well I woke up, got out of bed, dragged a brush through my hair that is oh so soft. Found my way across the hall and drank a cup of yerba mate. A bird spoke and I fell into-

Stop stop stop. I see this story it has been done before—–

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