It sometimes strikes me as strange that I can feel emotion. Granted this may not sound profound or particularly interesting- but I think that is because it is such a rare thing, at least in my case. I can look at others or absorb some media and identify with certain feelings or can be like, yeah- fuck, okay. But to realize you are also an ‘other’ is something that is destabilizing.
You can get there by being a human perhaps and when it happens it really can be equated to the experience of dying. It is something so alien and I am fearful. There are those that aren’t fearful or have seen a lot or even revel in bring it about- I understand there is a spectrum, which makes this realization all the more acute.
When you can start seeing growth and decay happening in slow motion and the spirals and the colors start saying hello- it is then that I know it will end- well not really end, but I’m losing words to describe the wonderment. And I realize I lack this vocabulary and I realize I don’t even know the ends of the spectrum and I realize at how disorienting it all is.