I guess a lot can happen in a month. Well, perhaps things are the same, similar ailments, frustrations. What I image doing and what the reality is, is plucking strings…a deeper, thicker fog has descended. Those older experiences where pleasures were sought no longer seems to be adequate. Self-medication through dreams continues to numb me. Actually there are no more dreams. Dead grandfather, dead dogs, microwaved cats. This guy asked if anyone had videos of microwaved maggots and the other voice said do it yourself. Who asks such things?
Upon reflection, things seemed clearer- I thought they could all come with me, but everyone wasn’t up for it. Actually it had been done all before. Actually even that has been said too. This Pessoa book yellows. I notice that my jeans are uncomfortable in the cold, especially when I sit an car. That skin crawling and that short-term memory loss isn’t from the mercury poured in the water, but it is the stuff on the coating of those seeds. “you are not supposed to consume that many.” I couldn’t help but notice her shirt was unbuttoned and part of her chest was visible, not the kind of thing you see in the movies, I mean I’m in a public space, I mean there is censorship, I mean I’m blind…but what really caught my eye was this area right below the button on her pants that looked firm. Was her uterus calcified from not being used?
I had to stack pieces of fire wood, 28 to a pile and it sold for ten or fifteen dollars and never during the extended periods of silence where I would conduct this activity (for pay of course) would I ever think of calcified uteri.
It is hard to image, it is hard to imagine. Sometimes I get stuck doing this neck thing- I’m the one with the crooked posture posturing on about a healthy diet white I secretly eat small pieces of clay on the ground where great indians died. Sometimes I thought with the music and the L– and the camping, and the wet females, I would gain some insight as to why the stars where that way. Or how when reflecting on his guitar playing if he was actually in a state of ecstasy or if the main concern was to hydrate because of the salty food he got on the road.
I’ve erected great barriers of cardboard to prevent the mice from coming in- and it has worked, the tranquilizers haven’t. The young girl is gone- she died many years ago and comes as a shadow when the mice are particularly active. What kind of thoughts did I have years ago when I was driving to my home (though I didn’t pay the mortgage) and the road was dark and I was looking for cops- did I think about having to go to work tomorrow?
“You know I’ve lived all across this country and this is the best place man, I got this shed and this woman and you get the seasons and the work is good- trust me I’ve been south where it’s warm.” He likes to drink red bull and brings his lunch in some old cooler and it just fits a sandwich. He had this look like he had done something terrible- and I was scared but I wanted to join. Some weird deer gutting-dancing experience in the woods where this woman was splayed out on this tree stump, we were tired from cutting stone all day for this pool patio, but were able to hold the deer down no trouble. It’s insides rained down on this naked lady and I thought back to how I was raised and what religion meant and how I was nervous about giving this presentation for school.
It is hard to reconcile the fact that the man serving you your pigs in a blanket at this esteemed university actually sold cocaine and had a firearm on his person. I saw it. He was caught once for something related to that world and had to move to this place. And somehow he was my manager. I’ve been managed a lot because I am a firm believer in institutions and don’t know about political decay or the thirty years war or Westphalian sovereignty. All I know is that my shoes hurt because my knees and they don’t like my shoes so their feelings are particularly somber. My mother had birthing class with this Somber’s mother- he turned out to be this weird hippy amalgamation where dirt and grit seemed to provide a comfort. Just like that woman who slept with corpses, just to know. Sometimes it is hard for me to just know and yet I keep wondering. I’ve noticed too that people’s eyes give away how they’re feeling- I didn’t know this till recently, I thought it was something that you only read in books.
Alone in the park on a hot summer day (it is cold now) and the lines I did sting, yet the probiotic which was expensive, is really doing a wonder on my gut flora. One of the things I really value. The one time I did a colonic, group session, a nursing home smell erupted and I knew then that death really came from the large intestine, right on that last bend. Dark smooth stones came out, something my ancestors passed down and here I was with this girl in this shitty house in a cold rural town with these dark stones that came from deep within me courtesy of a local drug store. The device was under 20 dollars. I’ve always used dollars to buy things, is that bad?
For whatever reason my ears secrete a wax light substance that hardens and then blackens and flakes off. My grandmother encouraged me to keep these flakes and now I have a whole empty liquor bottle full of it. I was thinking of selling it but instead I fed it to my dog. He is special needs and sometimes gets scared of thunder. I know most dogs do but I can really hear his fear- it’s like the girl with the low cut shirt- I can hear her through her eyes. He got sick from my hardened ear flakes and I got reprimanded. “how many times can you listen to the same song.” Sometimes I wonder if people like music just because there is nothing else- the last dwelling place of god.
Not too long after the dog ate the flakes and the woman bathed in the deer blood I came across a man who wore shorts over pants even though it was hot. He did the jive and always carried a belt. He looked mean and could spent all day cutting sugar cane but instead taught people how best to use belts. One of his students, “belt kid” wore a mean belt, this thing was perfection and I usually looked at the ground whenever he passed. I always did look at the man from Japan who kept his half dead dog half dead. I never knew why but I knew it had to do with the salty food. Sometimes I wondered if only this dog died I could feel better about myself. And the dog did die and I feel the same. What did I say about self-medicating? Oh yeah, they come from India just to serve this drink of water, sugar, and purple.
He met her at a place where everyone talks about committing suicide. I knew this girl that was committed- it wasn’t as interesting as you would think. There was no mystery- except in the basement of the bookstore, for some reason that mystery persists. He was a troubled man and decided that there was no answer but there were a lot of high buildings. His mother, dead, used to eat dog food to save money. But the thing was she sold for money- sold her scripts to this guy mark pills that always came by and wondered why the room smelled. “Oh, I think it’s the fat kid.” No really he drinks a pepsi every night and vomits in the morning and thinks it is normal. It is usually orange- he had particularly corrosive bile, something I envied. I wish he could share it, but then I to would have that smell and I didn’t want marc pills to be turned off. He was though, because of the pills- get it?
Sometimes I scan text quickly looking for the payoff. There are no such things as gems, but there are money shots. I now can get them whenever I want. The monkey has won- but only a hat that doesn’t really protect itself from the sun. When my guy told me he found a black fighting rooster in the cemetery and brought it home, I didn’t know what he meant. I just wanted to get my shit and go but he was covered in bird shit. His wife, which was actually just a prostitute didn’t mind. He would always give me my medicine in the street and always had cigarette burns in his shirt. He was from virginia and made it up here somehow. Was in college once, but didn’t have much in the way of teeth. “It gets into your bones” he would tell me. They all said that and they all knew each other. This one guy used to run the stuff to a prison out by the large lake west. I was scared- again scared, so much fear, and so much fear in the world. The body is resilient, deer sacrifice, human sacrifice, remixing pornography and beheading videos to pop music is how I made my living and I don’t even have a tattoo. Body modification was in and then out. There was this guy that would give massages to the elderly for dollars, this was during the hiv scare and he got it and died and I ate dog food like my friend’s dead mother.
They were held in stress positions and they didn’t even have stress. Rectal feedings, something I pioneered thirty years ago. Did you know everyone has those black stones. They form a map where you can find the holy grail. I only know that because I have slowly reduced my capacity for thought by watching online videos of people comparing the old and new versions of the 1977 science fiction film series. And that is exactly what makes me wonder if 100 years from now an attractive female holding a book in a bookstore basement knows.